1 00:00:13,610 --> 00:00:14,930 Don't jump, my son. 2 00:00:15,790 --> 00:00:17,790 Think of your wife and family. 3 00:00:18,330 --> 00:00:19,330 I am. 4 00:00:19,550 --> 00:00:21,190 That's why I'm jumping. 5 00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:25,990 Think of the flowers of the field. You like flowers, don't you? 6 00:00:26,310 --> 00:00:28,350 They give me a fever. 7 00:00:29,090 --> 00:00:32,409 Think of music. Think of how you love music. 8 00:00:32,830 --> 00:00:34,490 I'm too deaf. 9 00:00:35,930 --> 00:00:37,910 Think of next Saturday. 10 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:42,760 of going to Elland Road and seeing our beloved Leeds United play. 11 00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:45,200 I hate Leeds United. 12 00:00:45,740 --> 00:00:47,580 I'm a Liverpool fan. 13 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,980 Well, Flaming World, jump then. 14 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:57,020 Yes, it's the Freddie Hill Show with a host of your favourite stars, Liza 15 00:00:57,020 --> 00:00:58,840 Minnelli and Karl Kastelkoff. 16 00:01:00,740 --> 00:01:01,740 And... 17 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:08,660 Won't you stay in my arms? It's like the with the C, not with the C. 18 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:13,240 With the with the net. Just melt against my skin. 19 00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:15,780 I love you to the heart. 20 00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:18,680 Don't let the music stay. 21 00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:21,740 I keep you at the heart. 22 00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:24,440 That day. 23 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,580 Old fashioned way. 24 00:01:28,860 --> 00:01:30,560 Just make me love. 25 00:01:40,750 --> 00:01:43,870 Wonderful evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. It's wonderful to be here. 26 00:01:43,930 --> 00:01:47,590 Now, I'm sure that we have some ex -servicemen in the audience. So would 27 00:01:47,590 --> 00:01:52,490 -serviceman, very kindly... Like you, sir. Thank you very much. And I wonder 28 00:01:52,490 --> 00:01:57,550 you'd be kind enough, sir, to think of your number, your ex -service number. 29 00:01:57,750 --> 00:02:00,670 And I'm going to write it down here now because I think that it... 30 00:02:00,670 --> 00:02:07,670 That's what I think 31 00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:08,649 it is, sir. 32 00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:12,750 Now then, I'm going to ask you, sir, if you would, to tell me what that number 33 00:02:12,750 --> 00:02:13,750 was. 34 00:02:16,090 --> 00:02:22,110 14332308. Well, how about that? Well, I never did. 35 00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:24,570 There we are, sir. 36 00:02:25,570 --> 00:02:26,570 1433... 37 00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:57,460 That's something. 38 00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:54,150 Don't tell. She was the first little thing I ever saw. 39 00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:58,390 You know, her smile just left me reekin' lookin' for a chance to speak. I turned 40 00:03:58,390 --> 00:04:00,250 to see this tomcat lickin' at its claw. 41 00:04:01,010 --> 00:04:03,990 So I pointed to the cat and said, I'd like to see you doin' that. 42 00:04:04,570 --> 00:04:06,730 Lulu Bell, she just up and slapped my face. 43 00:04:07,210 --> 00:04:11,290 Cause the time she turned and saw that old tomcat on the floor, the stupid cat 44 00:04:11,290 --> 00:04:12,630 was lickin' some other place. 45 00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:19,950 But I'd take a train, drive a truck, ride a mule, and 46 00:04:19,950 --> 00:04:20,950 try and duck. 47 00:04:22,890 --> 00:04:23,890 And I get the wind. 48 00:04:24,830 --> 00:04:26,590 Take me to my lovely little pal. 49 00:04:28,730 --> 00:04:29,790 Lovely little pal. 50 00:04:31,670 --> 00:04:32,810 Lovely little pal. 51 00:04:34,810 --> 00:04:38,850 Now, she's milking a cow one day when a farmer came her way. She said, pardon 52 00:04:38,850 --> 00:04:40,390 me, miss, could you tell me the time? 53 00:04:41,050 --> 00:04:42,210 She didn't understand. 54 00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:44,090 She just held that udder in her hand. 55 00:04:44,390 --> 00:04:46,550 And she said, I reckon it's about five to nine. 56 00:04:47,030 --> 00:04:50,210 He said, if you can tell the time of day by lifting them teats up in that way. 57 00:04:50,650 --> 00:04:52,690 Say, you must be a real old farming stock. 58 00:04:53,050 --> 00:04:56,830 She said, that ain't the reason why, but if I lift them up real high, I can see 59 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,550 across the road to the town hall clock. 60 00:04:59,150 --> 00:05:06,050 And I take a train, drive a truck, ride a mule, catch a 61 00:05:06,050 --> 00:05:12,210 flying duck, get a balloon, and I get the wind to take me to my lovely little 62 00:05:12,210 --> 00:05:13,210 bow. 63 00:05:14,150 --> 00:05:15,630 My lovely little bow. 64 00:05:16,670 --> 00:05:19,190 Must be jelly, because jam don't shake like that. 65 00:05:20,940 --> 00:05:24,360 Now, she doesn't do things by half. She's got a lovely pair of calves, but 66 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:28,760 lets the local farmhands all infect them. And when she goes out on dates 67 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:32,420 pair of 38, she takes along a pair of 45 to protect them. 68 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:36,820 She thought she'd look real good if she stuffed her hair inside a snood. She put 69 00:05:36,820 --> 00:05:40,560 it on the second that she bought one, and from the back, I swear to God, she 70 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,000 looked like she was torn for cards. From the front, she looked just like she'd 71 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,000 caught one. 72 00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:47,320 Hey, a train. 73 00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:49,260 Grab a truck. 74 00:05:49,930 --> 00:05:50,930 Howdy, mule. 75 00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:52,050 That's a flying duck. 76 00:05:52,510 --> 00:05:53,510 Get a balloon. 77 00:05:53,930 --> 00:05:55,150 Then I get the wind. 78 00:05:56,130 --> 00:05:57,890 Take me to my lovely little bell. 79 00:05:59,930 --> 00:06:00,930 Lovely little bell. 80 00:06:02,470 --> 00:06:04,110 Don't get many of those to a pound. 81 00:06:05,110 --> 00:06:06,990 Take me to my lovely little bell. 82 00:06:21,070 --> 00:06:25,510 Now, friends and neighbors, for all of you who feel that feature films on 83 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:29,990 television do not capture the magic of the cinema, here is a film that surely 84 00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:30,990 does. 85 00:08:15,690 --> 00:08:16,690 Bye -bye. 86 00:10:17,580 --> 00:10:20,800 anything in it looks at mind -reading and clairvoyancy. 87 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,760 Can we read people's minds? 88 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,160 Is it possible to foretell the future? 89 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:39,440 Let's find out from our expert, Mr. Fred Scuttle. Good evening, viewers! 90 00:10:42,620 --> 00:10:44,600 Mahatma Scuttle, if you don't mind, sir. 91 00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:45,900 Peace on you. 92 00:10:53,550 --> 00:10:54,590 and septic alike. 93 00:10:55,710 --> 00:10:57,310 You are very well. How am I? 94 00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:01,710 In answer to your question, sir, about three years. 95 00:11:01,970 --> 00:11:03,890 How long have you been reading people's minds? 96 00:11:07,370 --> 00:11:08,850 Very well, sir, if you wish. 97 00:11:09,130 --> 00:11:10,130 It's a gift. 98 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,330 Would you say it's a gift? 99 00:11:11,910 --> 00:11:12,910 Not just this. 100 00:11:16,750 --> 00:11:17,750 That's remarkable. 101 00:11:17,870 --> 00:11:18,389 It is. 102 00:11:18,390 --> 00:11:21,050 How could you read the audience's mind dressed like that? 103 00:11:21,450 --> 00:11:22,950 Not on a family show, sir. 104 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:24,540 Not there. No, I wouldn't. 105 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,820 But my partner can, sir. 106 00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:30,300 Oh, Prince M 'Botti. Prince M 'Botti. 107 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:34,100 He can, sir. He reads minds, foretells the future. He does everything he does, 108 00:11:34,140 --> 00:11:36,340 sir. Well, do you think you might trot him out? 109 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,880 He's not a bloody racehorse, you know. 110 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,400 He's a serene highness, a prince. 111 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,500 Respected and revered. See those up. 112 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:48,780 That's a pretty lovely girl, isn't it? 113 00:11:49,060 --> 00:11:50,700 Yes, Ella. You could have fooled me. 114 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:51,960 Here he is. 115 00:11:52,930 --> 00:11:56,050 gentlemen, I... Sorry, son. 116 00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:04,130 I give you Prince Mibati. Here he is, sir. There he is, sir, you see. 117 00:12:06,990 --> 00:12:10,990 If I had time, I'd tell you his full Himalayan name, sir. He's only small, 118 00:12:10,990 --> 00:12:12,350 he's beautifully marked, you know, sir. 119 00:12:13,490 --> 00:12:14,490 He's got a long one. 120 00:12:23,820 --> 00:12:29,440 You see, when a couple marry out in Himalaya, sir, that is when they 121 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,740 name their firstborn, you see. They throw all the gold and silver wedding 122 00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:37,360 presents up in the air, and when they hit the ground, they go, bing, dong, 123 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,440 dong, ding, dong, bang, dong. 124 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:39,860 And that's his name. 125 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,140 I just call him Prince Mabotti. He knows everything he does, sir. 126 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:46,520 He's got a sixth sense. 127 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,800 There's no sign of the other five, he must have. 128 00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:53,020 You see, he's completely uninhabited, sir. 129 00:12:53,950 --> 00:12:55,830 He does in case. No flies on him, you know. 130 00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:57,470 You can see where they've been. 131 00:12:58,710 --> 00:13:02,190 You see, sir, his brain has actually baffled scientists, sir. 132 00:13:02,610 --> 00:13:06,370 Doctors, vets, sanitary inspectors. 133 00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:08,530 I see. 134 00:13:08,690 --> 00:13:09,690 Do you? 135 00:13:10,630 --> 00:13:12,450 Well, who does I tell you that, sir? 136 00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:15,790 You see, authorities, sir, they wanted to certify him, sir. They said he was 137 00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:19,150 potty, sir. And him earning 500 pound a week. In cabaret? 138 00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:21,610 Yeah. They called him Cabaret's Fruit and Nutcase. 139 00:13:24,910 --> 00:13:28,710 went so far as to imply that he was one of them male witches. 140 00:13:29,110 --> 00:13:30,830 Warlocks. That's what I said, sir. 141 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:38,950 Would you like a demonstration, sir, of his prowess? He's had permission. 142 00:13:39,590 --> 00:13:46,310 And we will give you the revelations of the 1980s. Mind 143 00:13:46,310 --> 00:13:47,450 his vest. 144 00:13:47,670 --> 00:13:48,670 It's on ice. 145 00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:00,580 Ramarama, Krishna Rama, Panarama. 146 00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:03,240 Empty your mind, there's nothing. 147 00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,300 Now relax. 148 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:06,660 You understand, relax. 149 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,560 Yes, a little piece of dark chocolate. 150 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,740 He's seen the exorcist three times, he has, sir. 151 00:14:18,220 --> 00:14:19,720 I don't know what possessed him. 152 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:28,320 There he goes. No one knows all sleep secrets, but warlocks know more than 153 00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:30,900 He's going, sir. 154 00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:32,039 Does he meditate? 155 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,160 I've never caught him at it, sir. 156 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:40,400 He's beginning to go, sir. He has studied all the Eastern religions, sir. 157 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,500 What does he feel about butter? 158 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:43,720 He can't tell the difference. 159 00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:50,220 He's still in there, sir. I think he's ready. I think he's ready, sir. Stand by 160 00:14:50,220 --> 00:14:51,220 for the revelation. 161 00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:56,460 of the 1980s. In 1980, who will scoop the pools and stand as Conservative 162 00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,120 candidate for St Albans? 163 00:14:58,460 --> 00:14:59,580 Hugh Scanlon. 164 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,920 I can't speak, can't lie. 165 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,960 Who will become a stripper at Raymond's Review Bar? 166 00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:07,620 Mary Whitehouse. 167 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,960 And who will be in the front row every night yelling, get them off? 168 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,240 No one. 169 00:15:27,210 --> 00:15:28,210 coughing his lop. 170 00:15:30,150 --> 00:15:32,050 Only just came to him then, sir. 171 00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:44,930 What will a famous pop singer do to avoid 172 00:15:44,930 --> 00:15:46,150 suffering from acne? 173 00:15:46,670 --> 00:15:47,670 Move to Chelsea. 174 00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:55,670 Now then, what will happen to this gentleman's eight -year -old son? 175 00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,380 swallow a live bullet. 176 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,840 And what will this gentleman do? 177 00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:07,940 Put him to bed and sing him a lullaby. 178 00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:13,280 And what lullaby will he sing him? 179 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,900 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. 180 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:25,620 Are there any other hints you can give him? 181 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,000 Yes. 182 00:16:27,950 --> 00:16:29,030 point him at anyone. 183 00:16:33,790 --> 00:16:37,950 In 1980, what will happen to this gentleman's father? 184 00:16:38,890 --> 00:16:40,770 He'll go to Australia. 185 00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:45,110 Bravo. Ah, now there I've got you. My father died ten years ago. 186 00:16:45,430 --> 00:16:50,070 The man your mother married died ten years ago. Your father is going to 187 00:16:50,070 --> 00:16:51,070 Australia. 188 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,500 They can't be that. They can't be that. Well, I'm afraid there we must end this 189 00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,840 investigation into extrasensory perception. 190 00:16:58,180 --> 00:16:59,180 Good night. 191 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:06,020 Oh, oh, oh, sir, sir. 192 00:17:06,339 --> 00:17:09,020 The chief clerk just raped me. 193 00:17:09,540 --> 00:17:12,200 Well, I can't do everything, Miss Jones. Can I? 194 00:17:16,380 --> 00:17:23,280 But remember, darling, when we get married, We'll have to keep my marriage 195 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,220 a secret on account of all my fans. 196 00:17:25,940 --> 00:17:27,560 But supposing we have a baby? 197 00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,460 Oh, we're told a baby. 198 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,680 Larry did it. I thought he was just flirting with them. 199 00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:35,160 Yeah, so did he. 200 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,440 My dad taught me to swim when I was only three. 201 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,320 Took me down a lake and threw me in. 202 00:17:40,620 --> 00:17:42,700 I wouldn't have minded, only everybody else was skating. 203 00:17:44,380 --> 00:17:46,920 Sometimes I think you love Arsenal more than you love me. 204 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,360 I love Real Madrid more than I love you. 205 00:17:51,850 --> 00:17:52,850 France, we heard. 206 00:17:52,970 --> 00:17:55,770 Normandy. My uncle lost a leg in Normandy. 207 00:17:56,230 --> 00:17:58,090 Oh, we never found it. 208 00:17:59,190 --> 00:18:01,770 And I must remember not to offer him a drink. 209 00:18:02,450 --> 00:18:03,450 Why not? 210 00:18:03,590 --> 00:18:06,130 Well, he's the chairman of the temperance league. 211 00:18:06,450 --> 00:18:09,110 No, he's the chairman of the anti -base league. 212 00:18:09,410 --> 00:18:12,430 Oh. I knew there was something I shouldn't offer him. 213 00:18:12,690 --> 00:18:13,690 Oh, 214 00:18:14,330 --> 00:18:15,330 stop telling lies. 215 00:18:15,670 --> 00:18:16,950 I don't believe you. 216 00:18:18,590 --> 00:18:20,510 I said, how can we open a brothel? 217 00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:23,540 When we had the pub, we couldn't sell beer. 218 00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:25,380 How are we going to sell broth? 219 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:29,160 Our Catholic father knows more than your rabbi. 220 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,340 Of course. You tell him everything. 221 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:36,240 Now, this old man went to this doctor, see, and the doctor said, you've only 222 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,240 a year to live. 223 00:18:37,340 --> 00:18:39,940 So he went to four other doctors and they all told him the same thing. 224 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:41,520 Now he's got five years, isn't he? 225 00:18:43,940 --> 00:18:46,000 Your mum reads the news weekly? 226 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,600 Yeah. She only takes it for the spot the ball competition. 227 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,120 Lost two fingers when he worked at that sawmill. 228 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,500 Didn't notice till he said goodnight to the foreman. 229 00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:02,740 No, I work on a stud farm, not collar studs. Like, I have to take the bull to 230 00:19:02,740 --> 00:19:05,020 the cow so he can, you know. 231 00:19:06,340 --> 00:19:08,320 I'd have thought that would have been a job for the farmer. 232 00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:10,420 No, it has to be a bull. 233 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,300 I like that mate Shannon. 234 00:19:17,220 --> 00:19:19,660 Next year, he's going to be our best man. 235 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,340 Oh, this is so sudden. 236 00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:24,060 Wait till I tell my mum. 237 00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:27,320 Why don't you get a job? 238 00:19:28,020 --> 00:19:29,019 What for? 239 00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:30,500 So you can make some money. 240 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,399 What for? 241 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,260 Well, you could open a bank account and save. 242 00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:37,239 What for? 243 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,220 Then you would be rich and could retire. 244 00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:41,020 You wouldn't have to work anymore. 245 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:42,520 I'm not working now. 246 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:48,280 So my dad asked the doctor to give him something to make him sweat. 247 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,199 Did he? 248 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,620 Yes. find him off. 249 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:58,300 Would you mind coming back to your place and spending the night? I'd love to. 250 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:03,500 No, would you marry you? Of course, I'd love to. 251 00:20:03,980 --> 00:20:06,780 No, would you mind lending me a quid? 252 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,220 How dare you? I hardly know you. 253 00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:13,680 Funny woman. 254 00:20:28,070 --> 00:20:34,310 I wonder if you've noticed occasionally that some drama series seem to be using 255 00:20:34,310 --> 00:20:35,289 the same plot. 256 00:20:35,290 --> 00:20:39,730 I wonder what some of these series would do with the story of Jack and Drew. 257 00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:47,550 You know, 258 00:20:52,570 --> 00:20:54,450 Sandy, I'm very worried about Jill. 259 00:20:55,770 --> 00:20:57,150 Haven't you heard from her yet? 260 00:20:57,650 --> 00:20:59,590 No, Sandy, I'm afraid I haven't. 261 00:21:05,090 --> 00:21:06,090 Hello, Mrs. 262 00:21:07,410 --> 00:21:10,770 Good God, what on earth's that? 263 00:21:11,330 --> 00:21:13,570 Hello, Barry. I see your back. 264 00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:15,770 That's not my back. 265 00:21:16,130 --> 00:21:19,750 Not my back at all. That's the front, that is. Of a woman, I think. 266 00:21:20,210 --> 00:21:22,630 I don't suppose you've heard anything from Jill? 267 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,760 Not since she went up the hill with that Jack. 268 00:21:26,420 --> 00:21:31,300 Jack? That's the chap who hangs around outside the motel. He went to the bar 269 00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:33,800 day and I quit to get an answer with his given name. 270 00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:38,340 What, that chap who lives in that filthy old hut at the top of the hill? 271 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,420 Yeah, he's quite happy up there. 272 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:42,500 He's got Anita in there. 273 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,280 Anita who? 274 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,640 Not Anita who, Anita! 275 00:21:47,470 --> 00:21:48,470 An oil eater. 276 00:21:48,810 --> 00:21:51,750 But why did she want to go up to the top of the hill with Jack? 277 00:21:51,990 --> 00:21:54,690 Well, she said it was to get a pail of water. 278 00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:58,870 Great Scott put a loan up there on the hill with him. Well, anything could 279 00:21:58,870 --> 00:22:00,870 happen. I mean, he could molest her. 280 00:22:01,350 --> 00:22:02,850 Oh, come on, Mrs. 281 00:22:03,210 --> 00:22:06,190 How could he molest her with a pail of water in his hand? 282 00:22:06,710 --> 00:22:09,150 Oh, she could hold it for him. 283 00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:15,270 Anyway, I've written her a note I have because I learned to write now. What did 284 00:22:15,270 --> 00:22:16,270 you say? 285 00:22:16,330 --> 00:22:18,210 You don't know I ain't learned to read yet. 286 00:22:19,270 --> 00:22:23,310 Well, some words I have, because the note she left for me, I... I... I... I 287 00:22:23,310 --> 00:22:26,190 meant some of the words on that. Careful with that where you're going, will you? 288 00:22:28,070 --> 00:22:32,470 She says he's very well off. She says he's got his own cannery. 289 00:22:33,730 --> 00:22:35,610 He's got a canary. 290 00:22:37,950 --> 00:22:40,230 Well, anyway, thank you for that lovely picture. 291 00:22:41,250 --> 00:22:45,170 Don't tell me that that is... I mean... But who is it? 292 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:46,840 Look at the bottom. 293 00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:49,280 There ain't no bottom there to look at. 294 00:22:49,820 --> 00:22:50,820 I don't know. 295 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:51,840 Ah. 296 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,140 Jill is still there. 297 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,800 Oh, God, how could she do a thing like that? 298 00:22:58,220 --> 00:22:59,600 Here, hang on, missus. 299 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:04,000 She never posed for that picture like that she told me about. She never posed 300 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,080 like that for that picture. 301 00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:06,740 Thank heaven for that. 302 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,360 Oh, he done that from memory. 303 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,200 Sandy, I'm still worried about Jill. 304 00:23:27,790 --> 00:23:31,470 We've got more trouble with our old friends, the Diplomacy Paris Council. 305 00:23:32,130 --> 00:23:36,150 Apparently, one of their ratepayers, who's known as Jack, is living with a 306 00:23:36,150 --> 00:23:37,049 called Jill. 307 00:23:37,050 --> 00:23:38,990 But unfortunately, she's not his wife. 308 00:23:39,470 --> 00:23:42,170 And the local water authority do not approve. 309 00:23:42,790 --> 00:23:44,790 So they sent a man round to cut it off. 310 00:23:45,790 --> 00:23:47,170 The water, that is. 311 00:23:47,550 --> 00:23:52,470 And, um, unfortunately, he only half finished the job, and she's now having 312 00:23:52,470 --> 00:23:53,650 live with a constant drip. 313 00:23:54,410 --> 00:23:55,650 It's from the water authority. 314 00:23:56,460 --> 00:23:57,700 What about their tap? 315 00:23:58,060 --> 00:23:59,060 What about it? 316 00:23:59,380 --> 00:24:00,380 It's dripping. 317 00:24:01,260 --> 00:24:02,580 Well, dip your bread in it. 318 00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:07,360 They've jammed the faucet. It'll never get well if you force it. 319 00:24:08,660 --> 00:24:10,900 They're threatening to picket your offices. 320 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,480 It'll never get well if you picket. 321 00:24:12,980 --> 00:24:16,420 Jack and Jill were obliged to trudge half a mile up the nearest hill to fetch 322 00:24:16,420 --> 00:24:18,860 pail of water. Where Trader G struck again. 323 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,120 He slipped and fractured his skull. 324 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:22,600 Trader G? 325 00:24:23,530 --> 00:24:26,670 And not wishing to overburden the already ailing National Health Service, 326 00:24:26,670 --> 00:24:27,890 consulted their local paper. 327 00:24:28,150 --> 00:24:33,130 Where, amongst adverts like, a lady with bow legs wishes to meet man with 328 00:24:33,130 --> 00:24:35,110 mallet. Object, a croquet. 329 00:24:35,810 --> 00:24:39,310 Man wanted for dynamite factory, must be willing to travel. 330 00:24:39,770 --> 00:24:44,430 And wanted, a barmaid with no bad habits, willing to learn. 331 00:24:45,390 --> 00:24:46,670 They found this. 332 00:24:47,490 --> 00:24:51,990 For fractured skulls, try Grimshaw's Villiger and Brown paper. 333 00:24:52,380 --> 00:24:53,380 Send £1 .50. 334 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:54,640 You'll be delighted. 335 00:24:55,340 --> 00:25:00,400 Well, they did, and they weren't. So we phoned up and asked Starson's Vinegar. 336 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:06,300 Supposing I cut my head, what would be the result of putting vinegar on it? 337 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,320 It would make it smart. 338 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:10,440 Well, 339 00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:16,120 certainly one good thing has come out of all this. It has inspired our old 340 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:18,400 friend Cyril Fletcher to write an odd ode. 341 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:19,840 Cyril? 342 00:25:22,380 --> 00:25:24,380 Don't come in up, pin back your luggles. 343 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:29,220 This is the tale of teenage Jill, whose exploits made her mother ill. 344 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,060 While on a picnic one hot day, she said, I think I'm in the family's way. 345 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:37,700 So while mum talks with Uncle Mac, I'll nip off with me boyfriend Jack. 346 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:39,760 My ma said, you be careful, duck. 347 00:25:40,180 --> 00:25:42,420 Remember Cousin Maud's bad luck. 348 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:47,360 There's more in that bulge around her waist than ever went in through her 349 00:25:47,980 --> 00:25:50,360 We'll climb the hill, said Jill, quite gay. 350 00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:52,620 And Jack said, let's go all the way. 351 00:25:52,980 --> 00:25:57,620 Then realising he said more than he ought to, added to fetch a pail of 352 00:25:58,100 --> 00:26:01,700 It was so hot and a pail of water's all he got. 353 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:08,260 As he ran with it through the grass, he slipped and fell down on his head aloft. 354 00:26:09,550 --> 00:26:13,470 And to add to Jill's distress, the water soaked right through her dress. 355 00:26:13,770 --> 00:26:18,090 She murmured, Oh, don't some mothers have them? You've dampened my 356 00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:23,430 She took Jack home, put him to bed, put vinegar and brown paper round his head, 357 00:26:23,670 --> 00:26:27,890 took off her wet dress, green as clover, and said, Oh, look, I'm barefoot all 358 00:26:27,890 --> 00:26:28,890 over. 359 00:26:29,210 --> 00:26:33,670 The ma came in, let out a shriek, and said, Oh, don't say you've done a 360 00:26:33,690 --> 00:26:35,730 And what's Jack doing in your bed? 361 00:26:36,310 --> 00:26:40,890 So daughter Jill, with cheeks bright red, told Mama all that occurred. 362 00:26:41,370 --> 00:26:43,210 And she didn't believe a bloody word. 363 00:26:45,490 --> 00:26:47,290 Well, that's all for now. 364 00:26:47,510 --> 00:26:49,010 But we're going to leave you with some good news. 365 00:26:49,250 --> 00:26:54,350 The government are going to nationalise crime to make sure that it doesn't pay. 366 00:26:54,670 --> 00:26:55,670 Good night. 367 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:18,800 Rocker! He would have gone bump with his own genuine Picasso. Come on, will you? 368 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,040 Yeah. 369 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,480 He's holding a letter when the cops arrive, too. 370 00:27:25,620 --> 00:27:26,620 Hey. 371 00:27:26,940 --> 00:27:28,440 What are we doing about this, huh? 372 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,380 Uh, we've got 11 of them behind bars already. 373 00:27:32,380 --> 00:27:35,860 And, uh, we're out picking up the other guy now. 374 00:27:36,140 --> 00:27:39,560 Look, neat head, these are 12 different pictures of the same guy. What are you 375 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:40,560 going to tell your fellas? 376 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,260 Uh, maybe we could tell them they're a jury. 377 00:27:48,139 --> 00:27:50,260 Sheesh. Hey, Clancy, did you check my tie? 378 00:27:50,540 --> 00:27:51,840 Sure, you still got fours. 379 00:27:52,620 --> 00:27:55,460 I hear the fellas don't know anything you guys don't even suspect. 380 00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:57,840 Ho, ho, ho. 381 00:27:58,440 --> 00:27:59,860 And what do we have here? 382 00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:03,700 Uh, we figure out he might have witnessed a murder. 383 00:28:04,740 --> 00:28:05,740 Okay, talk. 384 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:07,620 You can't make me talk. 385 00:28:07,820 --> 00:28:09,000 I'm no street pigeon. 386 00:28:09,340 --> 00:28:10,780 Sweetheart, come here, baby. 387 00:28:11,370 --> 00:28:15,070 You know deep down in your heart of hearts where it really counts that any 388 00:28:15,070 --> 00:28:19,010 I like, I can put you away for robbery, fraud, grand larceny, petty larceny, 389 00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:20,030 rape. 390 00:28:20,090 --> 00:28:22,190 Well, attempted rape is what I'm talking about. 391 00:28:22,990 --> 00:28:25,110 A thought with a friendly weapon, shall we say. 392 00:28:25,330 --> 00:28:29,110 Okay. The verdict from the Salvation Army, not to mention murder. 393 00:28:29,450 --> 00:28:31,710 Murder? I said not to mention murder, didn't I? 394 00:28:32,070 --> 00:28:33,950 Get on there, Thor. Come on, come on, come on. 395 00:28:34,250 --> 00:28:37,010 I'll hate myself in the morning. You can sleep till lunchtime. 396 00:28:38,060 --> 00:28:41,540 It was this gal, Jill, I think he called her, and this guy, Jack. 397 00:28:42,300 --> 00:28:45,600 Oh, we think maybe this is the murder weapon. 398 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:47,960 What do you know, an English cricket bat. 399 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:50,340 Why does it have such a big handle? 400 00:28:52,700 --> 00:28:55,160 Gee, I could have got a human being for the same price. 401 00:28:55,620 --> 00:28:56,459 What's this? 402 00:28:56,460 --> 00:28:57,940 I thought you might like to use it for evidence. 403 00:28:58,320 --> 00:28:59,420 I don't want to use it for anything. 404 00:29:00,220 --> 00:29:01,220 Where have you been? 405 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:02,219 In the lab. 406 00:29:02,220 --> 00:29:03,560 You have to spend all day in there? 407 00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:05,460 Well, I'll have to follow, you know that? 408 00:29:08,310 --> 00:29:09,310 No, 409 00:29:13,330 --> 00:29:15,750 lady, I do not have time to go and look for your dog. 410 00:29:16,170 --> 00:29:18,010 Why don't you put an advert in the paper? 411 00:29:18,510 --> 00:29:20,190 Your dog can't read. 412 00:29:20,490 --> 00:29:21,490 Why? 413 00:29:22,090 --> 00:29:24,570 Is this the 17th Precinct? 414 00:29:24,870 --> 00:29:26,450 No, lady, that is my backside. 415 00:29:28,170 --> 00:29:29,170 That's the guy. 416 00:29:29,810 --> 00:29:30,810 Your name's Jill? 417 00:29:31,250 --> 00:29:32,250 Yes. 418 00:29:32,890 --> 00:29:35,770 What's a terrible place like that doing on a nice kid like you? 419 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:38,820 I got it when Jack kicked the bucket. 420 00:29:39,220 --> 00:29:40,400 You mean he's dead? 421 00:29:41,460 --> 00:29:42,620 No meathead. 422 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:44,640 She was being literal. 423 00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:46,560 She was not using a metaphor. 424 00:29:47,220 --> 00:29:48,220 A what? 425 00:29:49,220 --> 00:29:50,220 A metaphor. 426 00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:53,980 I think I know what he metaphor. 427 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,080 He asked me to meet him up on the hill. 428 00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:00,640 Did he tell you what for? 429 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:03,460 He said it was to get a pail of water. 430 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:05,220 And you believed him? 431 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:07,280 Oh, you crazy kid. 432 00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:11,120 They found a guy. He's in the intensive care unit. 433 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:13,040 At first they thought it was you, Stavros. 434 00:30:13,860 --> 00:30:15,540 You mean like Bob I built? 435 00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:16,760 Yeah. 436 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:17,739 Curly hair? 437 00:30:17,740 --> 00:30:18,740 Yeah. 438 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:19,920 Brown eyes? 439 00:30:20,260 --> 00:30:21,260 No, blue. 440 00:30:21,580 --> 00:30:23,120 Ah, then it wasn't me. 441 00:30:24,740 --> 00:30:26,320 Thank God he's all right. 442 00:30:26,580 --> 00:30:31,740 It was an accident, I tell you. Like, I wouldn't hurt anyone as kind and 443 00:30:31,740 --> 00:30:33,000 considerate as Jack. 444 00:30:33,300 --> 00:30:37,790 Like, it better... one's kind to me, I'd do just anything for them. 445 00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:39,850 Anything at all. 446 00:30:42,510 --> 00:30:43,590 Thank you. 447 00:30:46,150 --> 00:30:53,090 You won't believe me. Up there on that hill, anything 448 00:30:53,090 --> 00:30:54,090 could happen. 449 00:30:54,170 --> 00:30:57,050 No one would know it's deserted up there. 450 00:30:59,250 --> 00:31:02,230 Crocker, I want you to hold that guy as a material witness. 451 00:31:02,530 --> 00:31:04,010 I'm taking this young kid. 452 00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:07,540 This poor little kid who's suffered so much. I'm taking her up to the top of 453 00:31:07,540 --> 00:31:08,459 hill. 454 00:31:08,460 --> 00:31:11,620 And if we have to spend all night up there, I'm going to find that bucket and 455 00:31:11,620 --> 00:31:12,980 search it for fingerprints. Come on. 456 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:15,300 But the bucket's right here. 457 00:31:15,700 --> 00:31:17,280 Then we'll fight it with us. 458 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:05,920 the sign of my heart. 459 00:32:06,340 --> 00:32:09,940 There was a fire in the dressing room last night, you know. Took two hours to 460 00:32:09,940 --> 00:32:12,440 put out the fire. Four hours to put out the fireman. 461 00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:18,580 I'm afraid that she will stay and never part. 462 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:20,400 You know, she's very high class. 463 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:23,520 She won't eat a hot dog unless it is registered with crops. 464 00:32:25,180 --> 00:32:31,320 One day we will go up to the church upon the hill. 465 00:32:32,170 --> 00:32:33,810 She only goes out with the upper set. 466 00:32:34,190 --> 00:32:36,570 She leaves the lower set in the little glass for the side of the bed. 467 00:32:38,410 --> 00:32:44,350 And there we'll stand, hand in hand, when all is still. 468 00:32:44,670 --> 00:32:46,710 She say to me, I do all my washing in ties. 469 00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:49,850 I say, why you do your washing in ties? She say, it's too damn cold outside. 470 00:32:51,330 --> 00:32:55,190 And when we leave, we'll be man and wife. 471 00:32:55,810 --> 00:32:58,850 I say to my wife, I seen your mother off at the station. She said, why are your 472 00:32:58,850 --> 00:33:00,790 hands so dirty? I say, I've been balling the engine. 473 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:10,340 No woman like that could ruin a man if he was lucky. 474 00:33:11,700 --> 00:33:13,340 I like her costume. 475 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:14,960 It barely fits. 476 00:33:15,460 --> 00:33:17,000 I like her shoulders. 477 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:18,760 We like her eyes. 478 00:33:19,420 --> 00:33:20,780 I'm so funny. 479 00:33:21,140 --> 00:33:22,180 You'll be fucked. 480 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:24,400 Lend me some money. 481 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:26,000 Go and get fucked. 482 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:35,320 Say that you'll be mine and we will dine by candlelight. 483 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:38,080 She's reading a book called The Naked and the Dead. 484 00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:39,880 Reminds me of my wife. 485 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:48,560 And I will hold you in my arms all through the night. 486 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:52,400 You know, she's wearing so much perfume, if she stands still, she leaves a 487 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:53,400 puddle. 488 00:33:55,060 --> 00:34:01,220 I can see your answer in your lovely eyes that shine. 489 00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:04,020 That's what the public wants, new faces. 490 00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:14,260 tonight you'll be mine. 491 00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:18,820 You know something, Wang? 492 00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:20,440 My wife is crazy. 493 00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:24,120 She won't send money to the inland revenue because we live on the coast. 494 00:34:27,340 --> 00:34:30,179 And he, he's like a vacuum cleaner with teeth. 495 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:37,800 Yesterday, she had boiled potatoes and custard, gefilte fish fingers, sweet and 496 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:40,000 sour tripe, and jelly and chips. 497 00:34:40,549 --> 00:34:41,710 All on the same day? 498 00:34:42,030 --> 00:34:43,030 All on the same place? 499 00:34:44,510 --> 00:34:46,469 He said to me, what shall I have to wash it down? 500 00:34:46,730 --> 00:34:48,150 I said, how about Niagara Falls? 501 00:34:49,750 --> 00:34:52,909 He said, knock at the door. I said, who is it? He said, Jack the Ripper. 502 00:34:53,190 --> 00:34:54,290 I said, it's for you, dear. 503 00:34:56,170 --> 00:34:59,250 Another knock at the door. I said, who is it? He said, Jack the Ripper. I said, 504 00:34:59,270 --> 00:35:00,270 I gave already. 505 00:35:02,670 --> 00:35:03,990 Jack the Ripper is not dead. 506 00:35:04,190 --> 00:35:05,190 He's doing my laundry. 507 00:35:06,710 --> 00:35:08,990 You know, I have the same laundry he went for five years. 508 00:35:09,390 --> 00:35:10,490 And I never lost a button. 509 00:35:11,610 --> 00:35:14,570 Sleeves, collars, whatever, a button. 510 00:35:15,590 --> 00:35:16,890 You got a trouble with you, Wang? 511 00:35:17,250 --> 00:35:18,410 You talk too much. 512 00:35:52,279 --> 00:35:54,580 St. Paul's, don't half -talk a load of rubbish. 513 00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:00,360 He calls his skinny wife, my lovely Helen. 514 00:36:00,660 --> 00:36:04,240 She parades around in fancy clothes like she's got a nasty smell underneath her 515 00:36:04,240 --> 00:36:06,740 nose. And half the time, he looks like what she's smelling. 516 00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:12,920 He visited Squire last Saturday. He says, I'm starting a charity for the 517 00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,420 fortunate brethren of our town. 518 00:36:14,660 --> 00:36:18,160 People who've had it cushy like you have got a duty to do, so I hope you idle 519 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:19,400 rich won't let me down. 520 00:36:19,700 --> 00:36:24,460 He said, hang on. on a minute, chum. He says, my old dad and mum had to bring me 521 00:36:24,460 --> 00:36:26,280 up in a shack ten miles from Reading. 522 00:36:26,720 --> 00:36:31,120 She says, the day that I was born I had taluses on my hands through trying to 523 00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:32,200 hang on till after the wedding. 524 00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:41,120 She says, we never had no fancy clothes all smelling like a rose fawned on by 525 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:45,860 some high -class nurse or nanny. My dad worked down the pit and he'd come home 526 00:36:45,860 --> 00:36:46,980 covered in soot. 527 00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:53,000 Till I was 12, I thought he was a Pakistani. 528 00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:59,080 He'd come home at half past eight and he'd have a bath in front of the grate 529 00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:00,900 the kitchen with his clothes all over the place. 530 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:03,160 He'd stand there naked as can be. 531 00:37:03,500 --> 00:37:06,160 And my mum would start crying because she could see. 532 00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:09,080 Ruination. Stare at her in the face. 533 00:37:10,420 --> 00:37:15,580 I remember my mum one day saying Auntie Jean's just passed away so she won't be 534 00:37:15,580 --> 00:37:17,300 staying for the weekend after all. 535 00:37:17,900 --> 00:37:22,300 So, son, you'd better pop down to the corner shop and ask if they'll take back 536 00:37:22,300 --> 00:37:23,300 the toilet roll. 537 00:37:27,540 --> 00:37:32,420 And just a week ago, my half -sister Flo, at the same time, got locked door 538 00:37:32,420 --> 00:37:33,339 open cop. 539 00:37:33,340 --> 00:37:36,840 We got our uncle Saul to rub her back with alcohol and she broke her neck 540 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:37,840 to suck it off. 541 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:44,320 There's my poor cousin Hugh trying to make a bobble too, scraping the 542 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:46,040 off the bottoms of boats and barges. 543 00:37:46,590 --> 00:37:50,230 And Aunty Maud, and she's an old maid, gets obscene calls on her hearing aid. 544 00:37:51,690 --> 00:37:53,730 Some of the dirty swines reverse the charges. 545 00:37:56,210 --> 00:38:00,710 It's my young nephew Ron, he's trying to get on. I caught him with his boss's 546 00:38:00,710 --> 00:38:01,730 wife when they was kissing. 547 00:38:02,090 --> 00:38:05,630 To me, that little twit was like a snake hissing in a pit. 548 00:38:09,010 --> 00:38:11,610 And I knew him when he didn't have a pit to hiss in. 549 00:38:29,550 --> 00:38:33,230 My poor cousin Harry's wife has started leading an immoral life. 550 00:38:33,770 --> 00:38:38,270 Her first night out was something really sordid. She'd come home with 100 quid 551 00:38:38,270 --> 00:38:39,270 and 50p. 552 00:38:39,490 --> 00:38:43,330 And Harry says, quite naturally, well, who gave you the 50p? She says, they all 553 00:38:43,330 --> 00:38:44,330 did. 554 00:38:48,390 --> 00:38:53,790 And my poor auntie Vi, still having to economise, right from the time she wakes 555 00:38:53,790 --> 00:38:55,390 up and switches her alarm off. 556 00:38:55,950 --> 00:38:58,950 Three quid she had to pay for a giant deodorant spray. 557 00:38:59,470 --> 00:39:01,510 One squirt, it blew her bloody arm off. 558 00:39:06,410 --> 00:39:09,030 Can they all expect money from me? 559 00:39:09,470 --> 00:39:13,990 Vicar says, ah, now I see you support your relatives. What a generous thing to 560 00:39:13,990 --> 00:39:18,310 do. He said, that ain't the point, my friend. He said, I don't give nothing 561 00:39:18,310 --> 00:39:21,050 them, so I sure as hell ain't giving nothing to you. 562 00:39:21,450 --> 00:39:22,450 Oh, there. 563 00:39:35,340 --> 00:39:36,580 and under the age of ten. 564 00:39:36,860 --> 00:39:38,280 How do you account for that? 565 00:39:38,700 --> 00:39:41,240 Well, he comes back now and again to apologize. 566 00:40:08,910 --> 00:40:09,910 it the way it was. 567 00:40:16,770 --> 00:40:20,930 Now, you know, a lot of people think that I'm trying to get my hands on their 568 00:40:20,930 --> 00:40:25,890 money. You know, that just isn't true. I'm not trying to get my hands on their 569 00:40:25,890 --> 00:40:29,910 money. How anybody could think that I'm trying to get my hands on anything that 570 00:40:29,910 --> 00:40:32,450 is not rightfully mine, I shall never know. 571 00:40:33,590 --> 00:40:34,590 But enough. 572 00:40:35,050 --> 00:40:36,050 Here. 573 00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:41,040 A very, very lovely young lady with a lovely voice. Her name is Dilys Watling, 574 00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:44,080 so let's give her a big hand, shall we? 575 00:40:44,340 --> 00:40:45,340 Yes, 576 00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:56,720 it was yourself you were involved in. 577 00:40:58,720 --> 00:41:02,240 I would have sworn it was me. 578 00:41:03,720 --> 00:41:05,120 I might have... 579 00:41:12,370 --> 00:41:18,510 That ain't no way to treat a lady, no way to treat your baby, 580 00:41:18,850 --> 00:41:21,110 your woman, your friend. 581 00:41:23,290 --> 00:41:27,990 That ain't no way to treat a lady, no way. 582 00:41:28,410 --> 00:41:32,190 Maybe it's the way for us to end. 583 00:41:33,510 --> 00:41:40,220 Yeah, the funny kind of consolation. keeping me sane and I'd really 584 00:41:40,220 --> 00:41:46,920 like to share it crawling deep in my brain either way you never 585 00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:53,480 felt me loving you and needing you leaving you now you 586 00:41:53,480 --> 00:42:00,200 still won't know how to feel the pain I was 587 00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:06,040 only being a picture with all the 588 00:42:09,390 --> 00:42:16,170 While you were busy looking into wide blue mirrors and loving the 589 00:42:16,170 --> 00:42:17,170 show. 590 00:42:17,650 --> 00:42:24,650 That ain't no way to treat a lady, no way to treat your baby, your 591 00:42:24,650 --> 00:42:26,350 woman, your friend. 592 00:42:28,530 --> 00:42:33,090 That ain't no way to treat a lady, no way. 593 00:42:33,370 --> 00:42:37,170 But maybe it's a way for us to end. 594 00:42:39,470 --> 00:42:45,950 That ain't no way to treat a lady, no way to treat your baby, your 595 00:42:45,950 --> 00:42:47,590 woman, your friend. 596 00:42:49,250 --> 00:42:56,130 That ain't no way to treat a lady, no way, but maybe it's the 597 00:42:56,130 --> 00:42:58,050 way for us to end. 598 00:43:00,990 --> 00:43:07,050 But maybe it's the way for us 599 00:43:07,050 --> 00:43:08,790 to end. 600 00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:37,600 I fell in love with a Mexican girl. 601 00:43:40,500 --> 00:43:46,880 Nighttime would find me in Rose's Cantina. Music would play and Felina 602 00:43:46,880 --> 00:43:51,720 Blacker than night... 603 00:44:12,330 --> 00:44:14,830 Wild as the West Texas wind 604 00:44:14,830 --> 00:44:21,570 Dashing 605 00:44:21,570 --> 00:44:28,530 and daring the drink he was sharing With wicked Felina, the girl that I loved So 606 00:44:28,530 --> 00:44:35,350 in anger I challenged his right for the love of his name Now when his hands to 607 00:44:35,350 --> 00:44:36,810 the gun that he wore 608 00:44:40,460 --> 00:44:44,940 was answered in less than a heartbeat. The man came in straight through the 609 00:44:44,940 --> 00:44:46,080 desert door. 610 00:44:48,780 --> 00:44:55,240 Just for a moment I stood there in silence, shocked by the foul evil deed I 611 00:44:55,240 --> 00:44:56,240 done. 612 00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:03,700 Many thoughts raced through my mind as I stood there. I had but one chance and 613 00:45:03,700 --> 00:45:04,980 that was to run. 614 00:45:07,460 --> 00:45:09,320 Now through the back door 615 00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:13,980 Out where the horses were kind 616 00:45:13,980 --> 00:45:20,760 I caught a good 617 00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:27,240 one I found a second way I could ride Just as 618 00:45:27,240 --> 00:45:34,220 fast as I could From the west Texas town of El Paso Out to the badlands of New 619 00:45:34,220 --> 00:45:39,560 Mexico Back in El Paso 620 00:45:41,740 --> 00:45:44,320 Everything's gone in life, nothing is left. 621 00:45:47,060 --> 00:45:50,200 It's been so long since I've seen the unmade. 622 00:45:50,440 --> 00:45:53,500 My love is stronger than my fear of death. 623 00:46:11,240 --> 00:46:14,660 Tonight nothing's worse than the pain in my heart. 624 00:46:14,940 --> 00:46:21,520 And at last, dear, I'm off the hill to the lurking El Paso. I can see 625 00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:23,300 Rosa's Pantina below. 626 00:46:25,940 --> 00:46:32,560 My love is strong and it pushes me onward. Down up the hill to Bellina I 627 00:46:35,220 --> 00:46:38,780 Off to my right I see five -mounted cowboys. 628 00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:41,840 Up to my left, right, a dozen or more. 629 00:46:44,740 --> 00:46:50,100 Shouting and shooting, I can't let them shoot me. I have to let them through the 630 00:46:50,100 --> 00:46:51,100 door. 631 00:46:53,620 --> 00:46:58,820 Something is dreadfully wrong for I feel a deep burning pain in my heart. 632 00:47:20,010 --> 00:47:26,470 I see the white puff of smoke from the rifle. 633 00:47:26,650 --> 00:47:29,850 I feel a bullet go deep in my chest. 634 00:47:32,550 --> 00:47:38,730 I see the weapon Nina has found me. Chimping my cheek as she kneels by my 635 00:47:41,230 --> 00:47:44,210 Cradle bites and loving arms that I'd die for. 636 00:47:44,430 --> 00:47:49,390 One little kiss and Felina does die. 637 00:48:01,290 --> 00:48:03,430 Oh, thank you. How proud. 638 00:48:03,870 --> 00:48:05,230 How very, very proud. 639 00:48:06,710 --> 00:48:10,490 Ladies and gentlemen, it's been jolly nice being back with you all once again. 640 00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:14,500 And we hope to see you all very, very soon. Until then, bye -bye and look 641 00:48:14,500 --> 00:48:15,500 yourselves.